there comes a time when you realize that these little chemicals called hormones control everything you do. it's not the mind. it's not will power. it's not foresight. it's not rationale. it's not fate. it's not even god.
which explains the whole myth that says when you laugh too much, you end up crying. i've never heard the reverse being said- but i'm guessing that's also true. i wouldn't know. i am generally stoic. that isn't to say i don't have hormones. i may even have an excess of all of them, but in just right quantities, that they manage to cancel out each other's effects, and the outcome is my near invisible stoicism. hmm... i dunno really.
y'day was damn near perfect. stress on the *damn near*. i was rather enjoying myself (albeit doing silly things. but pls- silly is a term coined by ppl who dunno what fun and pleasure is. it's coined by kings and queens who've never played with mud by the roadside. it's coined by the honourable envious people and the hypocritical jealous people.) and then i think i snapped. i couldn't sustain the perfection. and although i know why i snapped, i am unable to explain why. its a lotta messed up things. its a lot of parallel things.
you know the trouble with explaining stuff ? its this fundamental limitation- we can only narrate linearly, but we can think and feel parallel-ly. so unless one simply gets it, *like that*, something's always going to be lost in the translation. right... the point is - something didn't quite feel alright. and i've little choice but to let it be. but it's like this thorn.
have you ever walked with a thorn in your sole ? i remember as a kid, i used to just go play in the wild grass in front of my house without footwear, and invariably get pricked by a thorn. the moment that happens, you walk back home, in this particular manner, which lets you walk without the thorn doing any damage, and then you sit down, and pluck the thorn off you in a brisk manner, and its back to business.
so it's like this thorn. you know you can walk without it bothering you, and for all practical purposes it's not there. so far so good. but it's this careful treading you have to do, for it to not bother you. now... imagine (and i'm really loving this metaphor i am developing btw - for all my talk abt limitations about linearity, there are ways of getting around it ':)' ) someone comes and pushes you- you lose your balance and get pricked. immediately one tends to yell "hey watch it".
now- how are they supposed to know you had a thorn for crying out loud. right... good point.
so instead, what one says is "hey listen. i have a thorn pricking me. stay away from my vicinity until i get it out", and then everything's cool- they stay away, you get it out, and its's back to business.
but what if they saw you get pricked ? and still couldn't help but pushing you (they didn't mean to - of course (the intent isn't the point of discussion)... its not a villain-hero story. its just a "things happen" / "shit happens" kinda situation), what do you do then ? see... that's where i don't know what to do. i can't go around with a placard that says "pricked by thorn- keep away" no siree. one can only hope that when things are obvious, they remain obvious. its sick to dig it up again and again and get them to notice it. coz not being bothered by the thorn only works when you are allowed to be not bothered. not when you are pushed around and don't yet have the expertise to always maintain balance.
tell me- which ballerina can dance in a tornado ?