Monday, March 26, 2007


there's all these things hanging and jutting out in a lotta weird ways from our bodies (or from the core of our bodies ?) and i'm wondering why i haven't put a lot of them to better use. my hands especially- i've never really used them for much. apart from the eating, cleaning, moving them while talking motions, haven't used them for anything.
there's so much one can do with them- artily craftily speaking. wonder why i haven't.
and there's this circular logic thing that i've run into-
the dexterity and co-ordination comes from having neurons in your brain properly wired, and neural networks set at the right threshold impulse levels and such.
so now that i wanna do all these things with my hands, i wonder if i'll be able to. i mean, will my brain listen to me ? probably not ?
so is there any point even bothering to do it ? i dunno. i really dunno.
but if i never try, i will never know.
but if i already know, is there any point in trying ?
i mean, sure it's the journey that counts and not the destination. but... i mean, honestly.

but the point still remains, if i never try, i will never know.
will i ever try ? apart from just sitting and wondering what "if".
i hope i do.
i really hope i do.
miracles happen right ?
and a badly made clay pot ain't a miracle is it ?
no siree...
i'm rambling away in the hope that i will convince myself to do something about it.
ah nvm...
i shall meet this former self a coupla weeks/months/years from now... and let's see if that latter self has done something about.
which brings me into a whole different realm about time travel and stuff...
that's reserved for another rainy day...

Monday, March 19, 2007


how full of oneself does one have to be to come and write something about oneself each day. very.
nvm... i ain't gonna pretend to be ashamed by it.


i don't like too many fruits. ( and the phrase "too many" is subject to a very stringent interpretation by me and me alone )

so ever since i've had the power to decide what i will and will not eat ( mom says that's since the age of 4 thereabouts), i've always refused to eat fruits.

i wonder why my mom never forced me. but well, its all that new age parenting i think- let children decide for themselves and what not. but mostly, its just coz she wanted home to be peaceful. apparently i could throw one hell of a tantrum. ( i personally believe i'm as demure as a mouse, but then, no one really listens to me )

now i'm almost 22 and i still refuse to eat 'em.

but i'm grown up and educated and knowledgeable and more in control of destiny (or so we educated, knowledgeable ppl would like to believe. the learned and the wise will of course tell you that we never are in control of our destiny. but hey... you pay about 50 dollars for a book written by the learned and the wise. therefore, the only information that is available to you freely is the one dispensed by us folks- the educated and knowledgable i mean - and we tell you, that when you're grown up, you are much more in control of your destiny than before.)

back to fruits.

so i thought maybe i should start eating more fruits. it has vitamins you see... and it's important.
trust me- it is. i am about to graduate with a degree in biotechnology, and i've studied, over and over and over again that vitamins are very very important. they are vital amines- you see ? but then somebody discovered that while all these vitamins are vital, they aren't all amines. but who cares- let's just continue to call them vitamins. good decision i think. you've no idea how much these scientists like to classify and de classify and re classify and have whole unions about naming and nomenclature. IUB, IUPAC. and though they'll go on record saying its very good for planet earth and as of yet undiscovered planets sustaining life and such, off the record they're still sticking to the old "no order to it" names. its very hypocritical. it's very cute.

so i'm trying to eat fruits you see. to get an idea of why this is very unusual for me, here's a list of fruits i've tasted so far.

1) mangos - (maybe a few every season)

2) grapes - (the green ones - i had 'em for a whole month in 1998 - yes exactly one month)

3) apples - ( rarely. if someone cuts 'em up for me, then a coupla pieces. and that's generally because i have to be polite to the hosts in whose house i am eating these apples - and that happens so very rarely)

4) papayas - never never never. they stink. mom loves them. she'll cut em up and keep em in the fridge. the fridge also starts stinking. blech.

5) pomeogranate ( they add them to curd rice sometimes. and sometimes i don't manage to spot it despite my best efforts. so that's what- 10 beads maybe ? )

6) strawberries ( yes. these i've tasted. i've liked. but it's seasonal and too costly)

7) oranges (yes... i've been liking these for a while now. yay!!!)

8) watermelon ( like it. dad says it's not really really a fruit. its more like water. but my biotechnologist, vitamin sensibility says otherwise. watermelon is a fruit. enough said.)

9) sapota/chickoo ( like 'em. but mom never buys em. its too fattening apparently :(. and she's into weight watching. gah!!! )

10) banana ( they're ok. still, won't eat em if i can help it)

11) musk melon ( whatever is that. they make this juice out of it. and they keep it in the fridge. and it's all cold. and the entire family relishes it. i drink it quickly. love that its cold- another advantage is you can't taste it)

12) guava ( with salt and red chilli powder- slightly more than acceptable)

13) pineapple ( my tongue itches- anyone else have this problem ? but its nice with salt and red chilli powder)

14) jackfruit ( not bad at all. not bad. but mom makes this sambhar out the seeds- like that better)

hey... that's a lotta fruits i can remember the taste of.
not bad.
wonder why i fussed.


Saturday, March 17, 2007

apple pie

they changed the apple pie at coffee day. i don't like it. grr!!!
the apple pie at mc donald's at s'pore- mindblowing.
its this thick crust. its this apple goo (goo- literally) inside. and it's so hot. and it's the one thing i'd just burn my tongue for.
wonder what happened to em.
but this new round over baked apple pie at ccd-
nah *sticks tongue out*

Friday, March 16, 2007

2 poem/prose that i love.

See- this is healthy advice. If you can pull it off- you're neither saint nor thief. you're just a MAN.


If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

And here's three cheers to being - well - dysfunctional ???

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97.

Wear Sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idel Tuesday. Do one thing every day that scares you.


Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.


Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.


Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year- olds I know still don't. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone. Mayber you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody's else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Dont' be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths. Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will Look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

self help books

what's with them.
god.... i know i have the power to be extraordinary and all.
its disgustingly patronizing to be told things that you already know.

for once i want a book, that says its ok to be only ok. no need to be superlative. no need to be downright nincompoopish. just ok.

in fact, who needs a book for that.

ERGO, no need for self help books.




there comes a time when you realize that these little chemicals called hormones control everything you do. it's not the mind. it's not will power. it's not foresight. it's not rationale. it's not fate. it's not even god.

it's hormones.

which explains the whole myth that says when you laugh too much, you end up crying. i've never heard the reverse being said- but i'm guessing that's also true. i wouldn't know. i am generally stoic. that isn't to say i don't have hormones. i may even have an excess of all of them, but in just right quantities, that they manage to cancel out each other's effects, and the outcome is my near invisible stoicism. hmm... i dunno really.

y'day was damn near perfect. stress on the *damn near*. i was rather enjoying myself (albeit doing silly things. but pls- silly is a term coined by ppl who dunno what fun and pleasure is. it's coined by kings and queens who've never played with mud by the roadside. it's coined by the honourable envious people and the hypocritical jealous people.) and then i think i snapped. i couldn't sustain the perfection. and although i know why i snapped, i am unable to explain why. its a lotta messed up things. its a lot of parallel things.

you know the trouble with explaining stuff ? its this fundamental limitation- we can only narrate linearly, but we can think and feel parallel-ly. so unless one simply gets it, *like that*, something's always going to be lost in the translation. right... the point is - something didn't quite feel alright. and i've little choice but to let it be. but it's like this thorn.

have you ever walked with a thorn in your sole ? i remember as a kid, i used to just go play in the wild grass in front of my house without footwear, and invariably get pricked by a thorn. the moment that happens, you walk back home, in this particular manner, which lets you walk without the thorn doing any damage, and then you sit down, and pluck the thorn off you in a brisk manner, and its back to business.

so it's like this thorn. you know you can walk without it bothering you, and for all practical purposes it's not there. so far so good. but it's this careful treading you have to do, for it to not bother you. now... imagine (and i'm really loving this metaphor i am developing btw - for all my talk abt limitations about linearity, there are ways of getting around it ':)' ) someone comes and pushes you- you lose your balance and get pricked. immediately one tends to yell "hey watch it".
now- how are they supposed to know you had a thorn for crying out loud. right... good point.
so instead, what one says is "hey listen. i have a thorn pricking me. stay away from my vicinity until i get it out", and then everything's cool- they stay away, you get it out, and its's back to business.

but what if they saw you get pricked ? and still couldn't help but pushing you (they didn't mean to - of course (the intent isn't the point of discussion)... its not a villain-hero story. its just a "things happen" / "shit happens" kinda situation), what do you do then ? see... that's where i don't know what to do. i can't go around with a placard that says "pricked by thorn- keep away" no siree. one can only hope that when things are obvious, they remain obvious. its sick to dig it up again and again and get them to notice it. coz not being bothered by the thorn only works when you are allowed to be not bothered. not when you are pushed around and don't yet have the expertise to always maintain balance.

tell me- which ballerina can dance in a tornado ?

Sunday, March 11, 2007

raindrops and roses

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens;
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens;
Brown paper packages tied up with strings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels;
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles;
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes;
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes;
Silver-white winters that melt into springs;
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.



these days " :)" is my reaction to everything. it suffices. there's a part of me that even believes that it turns the day into night, and the dusk into light, and saves me from many a fight, and saves me also from a pathetic plight. it feels right. it feels alright. its the source of my might. and now i'll stop with the silly trite.


Wednesday, March 07, 2007

saying grace

there's a song i was taught back at school.
i wanna sing it now.

"did i remember, to thank you god for food we eat.
did i remember, to thank you god for birds that sing.
did i remember, to thank you god for everything. "

thank you.

Thursday, March 01, 2007


rain... i want rain... noooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww !!!


i'm writing this knowing that my mom will never see this. she refuses to invade my privacy. i wouldn't allow it, she wouldn't think of it.

but my mom's an integral part of my life more than she can ever imagine, more than i'll ever admit in front of her.

you know she's a part of ur life, when the sound of her rubber chappals of her constant walking around from here to there (mostly its cleaning up my clutter) feels re assuring.

you know you miss her when you can identify the sound of her vehicle from a few metres away and feel elated for those 30 seconds when you know she'll be home any time now.

you know you need her, when you really badly want her to hug you, and badly want to hug her, but don't, coz well... conservatively brought up indian girl n all. but there are times when those barriers must be broken and you simply have to go and get a bear hug.

you know what unconditional love is when she walks around, and the only way you can reciprocate that is by so badly wanting to be a mom yourself.

mom... i love her :)