I'm in one of those ponderous moods today. Not the kind that frustrates me, or the kind that comes with a deep insight into the inner workings of the universe, but a general "what have i learnt in my life" summarizing sort of mood.
Today I sort of realized that the things you want the most are things you have no control over. Weirdly enough you don't know it when you start wanting them. You think you're different, you're special, somehow you can figure it out where others have failed, you can crack the code, you can avoid making the mistakes. But guess what. You really cannot do anything to get what you want. You can sorta try very hard and make sure that if you're on the path to getting it, you dont do something crazy and undo it, but beyond that there's simply nothing you can do. It just has to happen. That's all. Maybe it will, maybe it won't.
I think that's what growing up is all about it. Realizing it and getting to the point where it's so obvious you needn't remind yourself about it or go into frequent fits of denial about it.
That's my today's thoughts anyway.
Am I happy that I know all this ? Does it make life better somehow ? I truly don't know. There's a tiny bit of me that hopes I am wrong, and there's another bit of me that tells me that if I'm wrong, I will have to continue to try cracking the code, and God forbid me from stopping to do that on a notion that perhaps I am right. So I suppose I'll continue to think I can control my destiny. Ironical, but there you go....
Older, but none the wiser,
- Me :)