I often find myself doing little soliloquies- talking to myself, scolding myself. I'm very clearly at home with the idea of a little homunculus within me that is always pushing me to do the right thing, daring me to overcome fears, prodding at my insecurities, rebuking me, goading me, generally being just very irritatingly righteous all the time. I swear I have it within me.
Ask yourself, I've been told several times. And I have. And oftentimes, the person asking the question is very different from the one answering- I am very sure of that. I ask myself. I, and myself are two very different people- the former always asks the question, the latter always answers the question with conviction, and the choice of whether to act on the latter's suggestion belongs to the I. The myself suggests, and the I does as she pleases. Oh, I and myself are both straight females.
This myself has a voice, a tone, a timbre. It's different from the one I have. I've never chosen it, but lately I've been wondering, and here's where all the schizophrenic mumbo jumbo so far takes a nice juicy turn, if perhaps I could change the voice. I don't like it. It isn't classy/cool/breezy/stylish.
So who would I choose ?
She's the narrator of the desperate housewives. Yes! I love that show. I love the beginning and the end of each episode. I love the way Brenda Strong speaks.
I swear, if my homunculus spoke to me like that- slow, deliberate, enunciating every single word so clearly, I would listen to it. Of course, I would also need those scriptwriters who write those superb lines, but still, I need a Brenda Strong to carry it off.
So much for whims and fancies. You have the conscience you get stuck with. And you are who you are despite it methinks. And considering I often swerve from the path that my conscience so desperately wants me to follow, and considering I pay nothing to it, I suppose Brenda Strong's voice is doing so much better on TV, than caught within me. But heck! It's just a thought. Even if no one's listening.